Category Archives: Uncategorized

Her Name is She

“You do kindness so people can like you more, isn’t it?” M pulled the words outside and punched em right in front of her face. She kept her stillness in silence. She ain’t got no time to waste more energy in an endless debating moment that would lead em to nowhere.

As long as the unspoken words lingered in her mind like the scent of motherhood she never once tasted in life, it was only love that remained in her. Only Love. Because as she told you once, parts of her apart from her already. Pretending like the root was there, what she knew was, she wouldn’t mind to plant the seeds of what-still-remained-in-her so it could grow somewhere else.
Let a thousand flowers bloom.

She had chosen to let go as a form of acceptance and surrender. She had lost either the tangible or the intangible ones. With certainty, she was ready enough to not being afraid of losing for more. Because she chose to let go of
Everything:
The suffering. The happiness. The numb feeling. The chaos. All kinda emotions she could absorb. The dreams. The warm memories. Hymen she gave up for a total stranger with consideration. The pain she had always had while she was missing her family. The past lovers that once had suffered by her existence so they could be happy. The world she had lived in. Life. The forgiveness.
Herself.

Nothingness is indeed less than nothing. Nothingness is something.

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What’s Real Anyway?


In the middle of practicing being in present with strangers at Randusari waterfall, the mind distracted her away. She slowly rubbed one cheek with the palm of her hand and asked a question to herself, “What’s real anyway?”
Her mind wandered to a stranger she met in Ubud 4 years ago.

The stranger told her that it’s all in her. 

She didn’t get it before. 
For years she had kept asking the universe for the truth. All the things she has had -people, moments, and experiences- somehow brought her closer; Consciousness is real. The only real thing perhaps.
She even stays to walk on the path up to now. Because by only knowing will not make her complete. She gotta feel her love existence as a whole; The love that loves the love itself. That’s why no matter how much suffer she is, she keeps practicing to be fully aware of being until the end of her.
It’s all in you. She will never forget those stranger’s eyes. 
The ring bells. She comes back from the depth darkness of the mind-well. She is being grateful to the waterfall for whatever it has brought for her this afternoon.
It’s all in you.

Aku Berbicara Dengan Kemaluanku

Malam ini aku berbicara dengan kemaluanku setelah dibawa ombak kenangan pada kemaluan perempuan-perempuan yang pernah ditemui.

Adalah kata maaf terucap untuk anak yang tak akan pernah keluar dari rahim melaluinya; Keengganan telah lahir dan tumbuh dengan mesra dalam janji untuk diri sendiri.

Hanya agar tak ingin anak itu suatu hari nanti, bertanya-tanya pada semesta dalam sunyi dan tangis yang ia nikmati, tentang perihal “untuk apa aku dilahirkan di dunia ini”.

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